25 years in software: A journey that almost didn’t happen

 Looking back, it feels surreal that my journey in the software industry began exactly 25 years ago.

In the early '90s, during my school years, there was a significant taboo around girls pursuing engineering. The number of female students in engineering colleges was extremely low. So, when it came time to choose a stream after the 10th grade for PUC (or "pre-degree," as it was called back then), most of us were either encouraged or outright pressured to opt for medicine. The prevailing belief was that engineering was a male-dominated field and not suitable for girls. Whether I loved math or despised biology didn’t matter—it was simply expected that girls would take the medical route. However, things changed drastically in just a few years. Even those who had strongly advised me against engineering ended up sending their own daughters to engineering colleges. Looking back, I believe the rise of the software industry played a crucial role in shifting this mindset.

I'm so glad I followed my instincts and chose the math stream. At the time, studying outside the state was simply out of the question, which meant IITs or BITS where my cousins went were not even a consideration for me. Even RECs were seen as a second option as there was an engineering college nearby. I initially secured admission at REC Calicut (now NIT Calicut), but 1 month later when Kerala's state admissions began, I was made to transfer to GECT. The struggle didn’t end there; finding a job outside our hometown was just as challenging. Campus placements were rare or nonexistent in most colleges, so securing a job meant either relying on third-party agencies or directly approaching companies with vacancies. 

To compensate for my disappointment of not studying at REC, my parents enrolled me in a three-year course at NIIT alongside my engineering studies. Little did I know, this parallel course would change my destiny. While my college curriculum only covered FORTRAN, NIIT introduced me to a range of modern programming languages. The course structure also required me to complete my fourth semester in a metro city, followed by a year of professional practice. The day after my engineering final semester viva, I was on a train to Bangalore to complete my NIIT course. But my time there came with a strict condition—I was given exactly six months to finish and return home. The reason? To get married. Because, at that time, a girl’s career was always secondary.

During those six months, I applied for several fresher roles and cleared every written test I attempted. But interviews? That was another story. I didn’t get through even a single one. Not because I lacked technical knowledge, but because I couldn’t express myself well enough. I wasn’t fluent in English, and most interviews were quick, group discussions or rapid-fire 15-minute sessions where confidence mattered more than depth of knowledge. Once my NIIT semester ended in February, my mother had given me one month to wrap things up and return home before April 1st, my grandmother’s death anniversary. Resigned to my fate, I was preparing to leave when, on March 22nd, I got an unexpected opportunity—two written tests on the same day: one at Siemens (8 AM) and another at Robert Bosch (2 PM). I decided to take both, assuming they would just be aptitude tests with no immediate interviews.

Siemens had a tough aptitude test, and out of all the candidates, only five of us got shortlisted. My friends didn’t make it through, so we planned to meet at Bosch for the afternoon test. Expecting the usual short interview, I figured I had plenty of time. But I was wrong. I was called in promptly and handed a whiteboard and a C++ problem to solve. What I thought would be a 15-minute discussion turned into a 2.5-hour deep-dive technical session. The interviewer didn’t just test my theoretical knowledge—he wanted to see if I truly understood programming concepts and could write actual code. That moment shaped how I viewed technical interviews for the rest of my career. Since then, I’ve always believed that a true assessment of a candidate should involve giving them a pen, paper, and a problem to solve—not just theory-based questions to test memory or language fluency.

By the time my technical round ended, it was 12:30 PM. The HR asked me to have lunch in the canteen and return for the next round in the afternoon. But I told them I couldn't—I had another test at Bosch at 2 PM. My response surprised them. It was rare for a fresher to be open about juggling multiple opportunities. Recognizing my urgency, the HR scheduled my interview immediately. Unlike today’s standard HR interviews, this one lasted an hour and was more of a psychometric test—assessing my capabilities, preferences, attitude, and overall fit for the company. Back then, a lot of candidates were rejected in the HR round if they weren’t considered the right cultural fit. I remember how this process became diluted over time as the company grew rapidly.

After the HR round, I rushed to Bosch, cleared their test, and was scheduled for interviews on March 31st. However, fate had other plans. On March 24th, Siemens made me an offer and asked me to join immediately. Since I had already accepted, I didn’t proceed with Bosch. And just like that, my career in software began—exactly 25 years ago today. I became the first girl in my family to step out and pursue a career before marriage.

Looking back, I realize how different my life could have been. If I hadn’t taken that NIIT course, if I hadn’t stayed back for those extra days in March, this journey might never have happened. The industry has evolved in unimaginable ways over the last 25 years. But the biggest lesson I’ve carried with me is this: Sometimes, all it takes is one opportunity—and the courage to seize it.

(To be continued)

2024 Roundup, 2025 Hopes

If I had to sum up 2024 in one word, it would be "exhausting". It truly was one of the most tiring years of my life, marked by the challenges of managing Acchan's nocturnal dementia—sleepless nights, erratic behavior, and the emotional toll it took on everyone and the countless back-and-forth travels between Kochi, Thrissur, Palakkad, and Ottapalam. The primary motivation for moving to Kochi was to reduce travel and be present in the office more often. However, all those plans went awry when Acchan vehemently refused to move to Kochi with us. In hindsight, I was asking Ram yesterday if it was one of his intuitions, as his death happened in Kochi. It was a similar case with Amma, who refused to get treated or admitted to Amala after her diagnosis, only to end up being referred there from Jubilee Mission on her last day. I feel the way our subconscious minds or intuitions perceive things is beyond my comprehension.

We are now entering the new year with two fewer beings than last year. While welcoming Alex has filled the void left by Hachi to some extent, the void that Acchan left is impossible to fill. With Acchan's passing, we lost our only living parent figure. It feels like the end of a protective layer that once shielded us, leaving us feeling exposed and on our own.  

The difficult part is that 2024 has taken away many more near and dear ones, many of them totally unexpected. It feels scary at times. 

Of course, no year goes by without its share of happy moments— reunions both family and friends, completing my MBA, and some of our quick getaways all remain the happy parts of 2024. 

Surviving 2024 feels like a big achievement. It was a tough year, but we made it through, and it taught us to keep going and appreciate the moments we have. As we step into 2025, my hopes are focused on regaining my health, getting back to travel and exploring new places, and finding ways to express myself more creatively.

Yugantham

Yugantham - That’s how I feel when I think of Acchan’s passing. Today marks the 16th day without him. It’s a huge change for us, mainly because our lives revolved around his routines. Many major decisions—like moving to Thrissur from the Vappala house, our return from Bangalore, staying isolated during COVID for an extended period, and even what to cook and eat for every meal—were based on his preferences.

As I sit down to write about him, I am overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of his existence. Acchan lived to the age of 96, witnessing events that rewrote history. He was born during the Great Depression, a time when the world was in turmoil. In some of his books when he spoke about his childhood, he has mentioned how food grains were scarce and how he sometimes had to endure hunger during his school years. I had asked him to share his memories of August 15, 1947, the day India gained independence. He vividly recalled the procession in Thrissur Round. He was just 18 years old then. He lived through pivotal moments in global and national history: the World War, the Cold War, famines, the deep socio-economic inequalities in the society,  rise of communism in Kerala, the collapse of the Soviet Union, the Green Revolution, liberalization in India, and even the pandemic that brought the modern world to its knees.

He experienced nearly a century of history, much of which most of us only know through books. And the best part? he didn’t just live through history—he chronicled it. He remembered every detail, right down to the dates. His passion for documenting these events was unparalleled, as he believed they marked the history of an era. Over his lifetime, he published around 60 books. Even in his advanced years, his passion for writing never faded. Perhaps he was compensating for the time in his youth when he was active in politics and unable to dedicate himself fully to the literary field.

From the time I’ve known him, Acchan was always in his room, immersed in reading and writing. We mostly saw him outside his room during meal times, where he would quietly finish his food before returning to his work. However, if anyone brought up a book or historical event, his enthusiasm was boundless. He could talk for hours, sharing not just knowledge but also his interpretations and viewpoints and we often ended up in a debate. Even during his time in the hospital, a mention of any of his books was enough to light up his face and prompt him to talk endlessly. 

Another passion of his was food. He had a discerning palate, and winning his approval for a dish was no easy task. His rare nods of approval for a dish felt like awards for me and Chechi, a testament to the effort spent to meet his exacting standards—everything had to be just right, from the salt, spices, and gravy thickness to the water absorption and even the shape and size of the cut pieces. Now, in his absence, everything feels different. The routines that once defined our days have been disrupted. The meal times, once punctuated by his comments or thoughtful silences, feel incomplete. 

I just thought of sharing the last video clip I took of him in the hospital, where he was talking about a book and some slokas in it, even mentioning the page numbers(probably in a delusional state.). Until the very end, his only concern was literature. Many times, I’ve felt that Acchan’s brilliance truly belonged to the world of literature. I often wondered if he might have been happier without the responsibilities of family life, devoting himself entirely to his craft. Yet, family was an inseparable part of his life, providing him with the support he needed to create. 

Acchan’s passing marks the end of an era—he was a bridge between the past and the present, a living chronicle of history. As someone mentioned in a condolence message, his writings, values, and stories will live on...

Ref: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._R._Chandrasekharan

My blog is an adult!

 

Eighteen years. That’s how long I've been pouring my thoughts, emotions, and life stories into this blog. It feels surreal to think back to where it all started, a simple space to express myself, yet it has become so much more over the years. This journey has been a reflection of who I was, who I am, and who I continue to grow into.

When I first started, I didn’t think it would last. Blogging was my way to vent, to process emotions I couldn’t quite articulate in conversations. What I didn't realize then was that it would turn into a lifelong companion, an evolving diary of personal growth, challenges, and triumphs. Every post, every word, carried a piece of me—sometimes raw, sometimes polished, but always true.

The early days were filled with uncertainty. I wrote hesitantly, not knowing who might be reading or if my words even mattered. It even took me a few months to finally publish my secret blog, and some of my other secret blogs still remain a secret—even to me. Back then, my posts were mostly happy, light hearted, with stories about my travels and funny incidents at the office, my dreams and yeah my thoughts too. Perhaps I was that happy, carefree kind of girl then. Then there were a blog tribe - a group of virtual friends I made through this blog. We visited each other’s blogs and talked in the comments. We tagged one another and even gave out awards. This was before the days of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I think Facebook was the first culprit in killing the long-form style of communication. Shorter, more frequent updates took over, and pictures replaced words. But with that change, the intimacy of our long stories was lost, and many bloggers disappeared.

But as time went on, I discovered something powerful: my words weren’t just for others. They were for me. I learned that writing was a form of self-discovery, a way to navigate the whirlwind of emotions life constantly throws our way. I remember in one of those desperate moments after Acchan passed away - that was the first time I wrote an emotional post. It was during one sleepless night, and even though I tried to delete the post immediately I woke up the next morning, my tribe was already there, consoling and supporting me.

In these 18 years, I’ve written through some of the highest and lowest moments of my life. From the joy of new beginnings to the most heartbreaking losses, each post reflects a unique chapter. The beauty of blogging is that it’s all here—raw emotions, unfiltered thoughts, and every evolution of my being. Some posts were written through tears, others with a smile. But each one holds a memory, a moment where my thoughts found a place to live outside of myself.

I think that’s what keeps me going. Knowing that my words, however fleeting the moment they were written in, serve as markers of time. They remind me of my resilience, my capacity to feel deeply, and my ability to move forward. Blogging has been my way of making sense of life, of giving structure to the chaos of emotions that so often overwhelm.

As I look back on these years, I realize that blogging isn’t just about sharing thoughts—it’s about connection. Not just with readers, but with myself. Every post I wrote was a conversation with the person I was at that time. And now, I can revisit those conversations, see how far I've come, and understand the person I continue to become.

Here’s to 18 years of words, emotions, and self-reflection. Here's to the stories yet to be written, and the emotions that will continue to guide them. Thank you for being a part of this journey, whether you’ve been reading from the start or just stumbled upon this post today. My blog may be a personal space, but it’s also a shared one—and that’s something truly special.

Here’s to the next chapter. I’m ready to keep writing.

Remembering a dear friend and his memories

 

When I got a message from a friend about some unconfirmed news on Sunday noon, my vision blurred and my head started spinning. I messaged her back, saying she might have mistaken the name or person, but she said the news was about him. She said she would confirm it, and never have I ever hoped for something to be fake news more than this. Unfortunately, she confirmed the news soon after, and I felt numbness a creeping all over me.

Who was he to me? A colleague? A senior? A friend? A mentor? A brother? An advisor? A family member without blood ties? I have no clue. Technically, we were colleagues who worked together in the same team for less than a year. He was my first mentor in the industry. I was assigned a complicated component that loaded hundreds of libraries and ran into over 50 laks lines of code. At a time when Google wasn't the go-to entity and programming mastery was book-based, it was difficult for me to even understand the existing codebase which had umpteen objects lifecycle and interactions, let alone make changes to it. Every time I went to him with a question, he would direct me to some seniors. I was timid, apprehensive, and not so fluent in spoken English, but he made sure I approached them and got my doubts cleared. He would watch me from a distance until it was done. Later, we always joked about it, and I used to tell him that as a mentor, he didn't teach me anything. He would say he made me self-sufficient...

There was never a dull moment when he was around. He had this uncanny ability to turn every situation and every sentence into a laughing riot, even in board meetings. He was always the one who understood the rules and knew how to use it. At SCS, we had official working hours of 8-5 or 9-6, and he followed the 8-5 schedule. But most of us came around 10 and stayed back late, especially because our counterparts were in Munich and Vienna. We had a German manager who once asked him whether he could also do the same. He was strict about his work-life balance and said no. When the manager was insistent, he joked that his landlord would close the gate at 6 PM and he couldn't stay back late. The manager, due to cultural differences, didn't understand the joke and repeated the same reason in a board meeting, causing quite a stir.

Personally, when I was not ready to get married, he was the one who talked me out of it and encouraged me to be open. When I finally agreed to meet a prospective guy, he even advised me on how to approach the meeting and what to say and not say from a guy's perspective. When that person and his family turned out to be difficult and started making demands even before finalizing the marriage, I lashed out at him, saying that it was only because of him that I had to go through this. He responded by saying that one person is not representative of the whole world and that there would be others who would be a better match. Even though I refused to go through any more 'prospective guy-seeing ceremonies' at that time, his advice helped me to be open when I met the next guy years later, with whom I am now married.

When my parents passed, and I felt totally lost and alone, he was the one who helped me avoid slipping into depression. His daughter was only a couple of months old then, and he made sure I spent time with her to distract myself. He and his wife would come home with their daughter every single weekend, spend some time with me, and take me out for dinner. He would often become a hands-on dad, giving his wife a break while she and I went shopping. This continued for weeks, months, and even years. I am sure it wasn't easy for them, with such a small baby, to spend this much time on me. We only broke this tradition after I got married and moved to Kerala briefly. Once we moved back again, we used to meet up now and then. Even for Ram, he is among the few of my friends whom he knows quite well.

Unlike most of my friends who invested in property early on, we were two people who never felt the need to own a house in Bangalore and were happy in our long-term rented home. When the topic of buying property came up, we wanted to buy land and build a house ourselves rather than buy a ready-made flat. His family and I looked at a couple of plots, thinking we would buy nearby, but we finally decided it wasn't worth the headache. So I was surprised when he said they had finally bought land and were building a house recently. After 25 years, he finally completed his dream house and moved in two months ago, ticking off a major item on his bucket list.

In 2020 Jan, when we planned to move back to Kerala, we met up and even planned a trip to Europe that summer. He was usually not a travel person like me, but this time we made elaborate plans - His Wife, me and Ram on where to visit, while he and his daughter focused on where and what to eat. Unfortunately, COVID struck that year, and our travel plan didn’t materialize. With COVID and our move happening in the midst of that, we couldn't really catch up, although we made some short visits to Blr in between. So, finally, last Christmas, we decided to meet at his home in Kerala. Little did I expect that would be our last meeting, and my next visit there would be to say a final goodbye to him.

He was the most caring person without making it obvious. When his wife took a break after their daughter was born, he used to say it was a good decision, as the daughter grew up to be a happy child. But after that, he gave his full support to help his wife rebuild her career. Just as I had parent-like figures in my landlords, he also treated his landlords as family and often visited them even after they moved from the house. Sometimes he reminds me of my father when he brings a box of sweets every time he visits home. For his memorial service, his dad talked about the CCTV he installed and how he checked it all through the day—to see whether the gates were closed, whether the kitchen was active or even made sure the bills were paid as soon as it came. While talking to our friends about his passing, everyone had the same thing to say: how he helped them in one way or another. I checked his last message and phone call, and even that was about helping someone who was looking to get back into the industry after a break. 

He was always the one who treaded the unusual path. Just a couple of years into the industry, he took a break to pursue an MSc in Mathematics for the love of the subject, cleared the NET, and taught for some time. Then he rejoined the industry, and at one point he had two offers—one from Microsoft and another from Intuit, which was a startup at the time—he joined as the fifth employee of Intuit (this was just after the dot-com bust when startups were not so sought after) and has been part of it for the last 20 years. Now, at the age of 47, he has left for another unexpected exploration. Perhaps this is also his way of going up there and pioneering something new.😪

PS: He was very concerned about his and his family's privacy, so much so that he stayed away from all social media and even ignored Google search recommendations. So I have deliberately kept all names out of this post.

Reviving the Vibes

What are you supposed to feel when an event that you have been planning and working hard on for over a year finally concludes? A sense of relief, knowing that all the hard work and meticulous planning have paid off, or a sense of emptiness or loss, as something that has been a significant part of your life and routine is now over? I know it's natural to experience a mix of emotions, and I am trying to figure out what it is.

I never actually planned to study engineering. I had joined for a BSc course even though I got a reasonable rank in the entrance exam. But fate had other ideas. I was lured to join B.Arch., which at that time was only offered at REC and CET. I agreed because architecture is something I have always loved (and still do). So, I took a TC from Vimala College to join REC Calicut. However, during the joining process, when my mom learned that B.Arch. at REC didn't have accreditation at that time, she vetoed the offer and made me take EEE instead. This change was kind of a last-minute decision. But once we returned home, I guess when she started thinking about it, she began worrying - ragging, electrical labs, hostel life, distance, and so many other "issues," and she forced me to shift to GECT. To cut the long story short, I gave my parents an authorization letter and said, "Do whatever you want." That's how I got a second TC from REC Calicut and ended up at GEC Thrissur, which was hardly a kilometer from my home.  They had also joined me in Electronics, which was trending but a subject I always hated. Until then, I used to study the subjects I enjoyed and scored well, but once I joined engineering, I did reasonably well only in the first semester, which didn't have many electronics subjects. After that, my grades started slipping. All I did was open the book for the first time the day before exams and read whatever I could until the exam started. It was a time of feeling a bit lost, frustrated, and uncertain. Our class was away from the main building, and being day scholars, all we did was get off at the Vimala stop, climb over the wall to reach the ADS classrooms. The moment there was any strike or free class, we did the same climbing and scooted at the first instance. I frequented the Vimala College canteen more than the GEC canteen. So during my college days, I hardly knew anyone, not even my own classmates, let alone batchmates. Probably that was the reason I never connected or felt like visiting the college after I graduated.

In fact, it was during our time in Bangalore that I connected with most of my own classmates and some other batchmates and developed friendships. When the discussion about our 25th-year reunion first came up in our class group during the Covid lockdown, we were only thinking about an ECE get-together and nothing beyond that. As part of that, we had planned some giving-back ideas and had contacted the department as well. So when Sanjeev contacted me to volunteer to collect the contact info of my classmates for a common group get-together, I was quite passive. But I took it up as it was a fairly easy task since we already had a class WhatsApp group where most contacts were readily available, except for two people who are still elusive :( After a couple of months, he formed the SPOCs group and invited me to join, which I was quite resistant to. Even though I used to be active in cultural clubs and NGOs during my early days in Bangalore, I had totally withdrawn from all such activities after the passing of my parents. Probably the only event I planned and executed after that was my own wedding!

I tried to pass the responsibility to almost everyone in my class, but no one was ready to take it up, and that's how I ended up in the SPOCs group. We were a group of mismatched individuals, many of whom had never met before. Initially, we had a lot of discussions and many active members. But as days and months passed, most people got busy with life, and the active members were reduced to just a few.  Even then, we had a dedicated lot who took responsibility and executed it to perfection. We worked and coordinated from different countries and cities, yet managed to stick together for close to a year without any major incidents, which is a great achievement in itself. I never thought I would make new friends at this age, especially from GEC, and I think that is what happened. I got to know a bunch of pure, selfless souls who radiated positive energy, and who I can now happily call friends—the ones I missed meeting during the college days.

Now that the event is over this weekend, everyone seems to be on a high—not just the SPOCs, but also the batchmates, the faculty, and the invitees. We are receiving compliments that the event was planned and executed so well. Even the college authorities and the alumni association are quite happy, as we are the first batch to have given the highest contribution back so far. That's when I started wondering what it is that I am feeling. Is it a sense of nostalgia and a desire to recapture something valuable from the past?  The event was named "ReVibes" which evokes feelings, moods, and atmospheres that are intangible but deeply felt, making the idea of reviving them particularly appealing. Maybe it's also a time for my own rejuvenation and return to a more vibrant, energetic state. Hopefully...

The Black Shirt and The Chase

 

Today, I encountered an issue with the polling process. Yesterday, I had downloaded the voting slip on my office laptop which I couldn't transfer to my phone because of security restrictions. I assumed someone would have dropped the slip at home letter box as is the case usually since the house is locked. But upon arriving home late last night, there was no sign of it. So I tried downloading it again onto my phone, but unfortunately, the website was down today, leaving me without the slip at the polling booth. Despite the efforts of the polling agents to locate my name, they were unable to find it. They suggested I look for someone wearing a tucked in black shirt outside the booth who might be able to assist me faster. Upon exiting, I searched for the individual in the black shirt but couldn't locate them and so returned home to retrieve the slip from my laptop. Upon my return to the booth, I spotted the man in the black shirt, wearing white pants, which reminded me of a funny incident from 25 years ago.

We were in our 7th semester and had signed up for the IES exam. At that time, we had no idea about its difficulty or seriousness; it was more of 'our seniors are taking it, so we'll do the same' mentality. Most of us in our class had signed up, with all the enthusiasm of clueless adventurers, and we had planned to travel the previous day to Ernakulam, where the center was located. I believe someone in the class had booked a couple of rooms in a hotel, anticipating a large group. However, on the day of the exam, only four people showed up - two boys and two girls. This was a time when even interacting between girls and boys was enough to raise eyebrows, and staying in a hotel would have been scandalous. So, we decided not to go to the hotel, and our classmates left, leaving only me and my friend behind.

My friend called her dad and explained the situation. Naturally, he wasn't too thrilled but told us to wait in the station to see what he can do. He then managed to coordinate with one of his colleagues in the Ernakulam office to assist us. So when we called again, he instructed us to look for someone wearing a "black shirt and white mundu(dhoti)", and we were to go with him. We had no idea who he was, his age range, or how he looked. By then, it was late evening, and darkness was setting in, making us increasingly uneasy about being alone at the station. Obviously, this was before the era of mobile phones, so we waited at the station looking for our knight in not-so-shiny attire and eventually spotted an elderly man dressed in a black shirt and white mundu. Assuming he was the person we were supposed to meet, I stayed back with our luggage and my friend approached him. However, the old man seemed frightened by a girl approaching him with confidence. He began walking faster, with my friend following him, and he paced even faster. Somewhere along the way, she lost the chase and the sight of him and we were wondering what to do. There was no way we could call back home again and admit that we had lost sight of our 'savior'. Luckily, our actual rescuer showed up eventually and whisked us away to a convent hostel, where we stayed for the night.

The case of mistaken identity and "the chase" became a source of legendary tales in our circle for a long time. Unfortunately, this incident also meant we were denied permission to travel for any future exams or placement calls, which were centralized in Ernakulam at that time.

Hachi - The gentlest soul I have ever seen

I'm not exactly sure when my attraction to Golden Retrievers began, but at some point along the way, I decided that if I were to own a dog in the future, it would definitely be a Golden. Once, I even came across an ad for Golden Retriever puppies and reserved one, but I couldn't proceed with the purchase because my landlord vetoed the idea of me having a puppy when I was living alone. During my teenage years, I had a pet that was given to me as a gift. However, at that time, we had no idea how to properly raise a puppy, and she ended up being completely untrained.(The reason why you should never ever 'gift' a pet to anyone..) That was my only experience with a pet dog until then. Once I got married, Ram's family had 7 dogs, and he was also feeding many more on the streets. So when I told him about the Golden Retriever story, he said we would have one. Additionally, I felt more confident about having another pet because of his expertise.

However, once we moved to Bangalore, I saw news about lab-released beagles, which was the largest batch at that time. These poor creatures had been kept in solitary cages, subjected to daily drug testing. The release from the labs was a significant shock to their bodies and minds. When they emerged, they lacked confidence, were anxious, and knew nothing about the world outside the laboratory walls – soil, grass, stones, leaves, or sunlight were all foreign to them. Rehabilitation was a challenging process that involved gradually exposing them to the world, patient socialization, and dealing with frequent setbacks. We were so heartbroken listening to the story that we felt compelled to adopt one. Despite being with us for six months, Diva remained fearful and anxious. However, she seemed to improve when we took her back to our hometown and introduced her to our other pets. Seeing her struggle to adapt to human interaction and learn how to be a dog, we decided to adopt a second dog. By then, I was also aware of the issues within the breeding industry and had resolved to adopt from a shelter. When we approached the counselor and expressed our preference for Golden Retrievers, they were uncertain if a breed-specific adoption could be arranged. But, just a few weeks later, they informed us about Hachi, who had been abandoned by his previous owners. Hachi, around 3-4 years old at the time, immediately stole our hearts from the moment we first met him. Despite being abandoned, he exuded an undeniable warmth and trust.

Once he came home, we thought he might dominate Diva, but the total opposite happened. He was always the gentle one, even when Diva stole his food, bed, or snuck in while we petted him. It wasn't long before Diva started observing Hachi's behavior, and began trusting us. Hachi's gentle nature extended beyond the humans in our home. All cats and kittens seemed to instinctively trust him, finding comfort and playfulness in his presence. 

 

His ability to connect with others, regardless of species, showcased the depth of his empathy and compassion. A couple of months ago, we had a fully paralyzed dog named Amy, with very limited movements. Hachi, who suffered from arthritis, found it difficult to get up, especially in colder months, and usually required assistance. However, one day, when he seemed to have improved slightly, he got up on his own, walked up to Amy, and lay down next to her with his paws on hers, probably to comfort her.

Hachi was everyone's favorite, despite the competition from the many four-legged species we shared our home with. He had a fan following in the neighborhood we lived in; he was adored by groomers and veterinarians alike due to his friendly and obeying nature. Just as Hachi was everyone's favorite, everyone was his favorite too. We also felt he might have been searching for his original owner in all the people he met. It's often said that dogs become heartbroken when separated from their owners. Despite his love for people, he also made sure to give space to those who didn't like dogs or were scared of him due to his size. How he understood it instinctively was just amazing.

He loved car rides, which was a blessing for hodophiles like us. The moment he saw us packing, he would be all charged up and ready to go. We often wondered why someone would give up such a fine dog like Hachi, and we joked that the only reason might be his never-ending love for food.

But as life often unfolds, our time with Hachi was not infinite. He had various health issues which finally claimed his gentle soul, leaving a huge void in our hearts and home. He was with us for over 7 years, and it has been 3 weeks since he passed away, yet we still feel a profound sense of loss and sadness. Sometimes we wonder, while he was literally a dream pet one could ever have, were we the best family he could have gotten? Would it have been better for him to be in a family with just one dog so that he could receive all the attention? Did our move back to Kerala limit his options for receiving the best treatment? Did our elder care responsibilities limit the time and attention we could give him in his final years? However, we won't get any answers to these questions, and they will linger forever in our minds.

As we bid farewell to our beloved Hachi, we hold onto the legacy of his gentle spirit and unwavering love. Though he may no longer walk by our side, his presence will forever be felt in our hearts as we cherish every precious moment we had with him.

The Chains of Colorism

 

Photo by Alexander Suhorucov:

I just watched a counterpoint debate featuring a dancer Kalamandalam Sathyabhama, and I went back to the clip where the controversy erupted. It is astonishing to learn that even in this so-called progressive time, how vile some of her remarks were. She says, "Some of the performers' complexions are dark as a crow, and even their own mothers would not want to look at them." "People have different opinions. If an artist thinks a black-skinned person can perform Mohiniyattam, it is their opinion. But for me, the performer should be fair-skinned.”

It's disheartening to see individuals in positions of influence perpetuate harmful stereotypes and reinforce old-fashioned notions of beauty based on skin color.

I guess what she doesn't understand is the deep wound she is inflicting on someone else, not just the person she referred to but probably many kids who do not fall in the 'fair-skinned' category. By equating dark skin with unattractiveness and implying that it detracts from one's artistic abilities, she not only undermines the talent and dedication of countless performers but also inflicts deep emotional wounds on those who do not conform to her narrow standards of beauty.

Listening to her words, dripping with contempt for those whose skin did not meet her arbitrary standards of beauty, I couldn't help but feel a pang of familiarity. As someone who has personally experienced the repercussions of colorism, I understand the lasting effects it can have on one's self-esteem and sense of worth. Growing up where fair skin was prized, I'm all too familiar with the hurtful comments and comparisons that clouded my childhood.  My mother, with her extremely fair complexion, was the epitome of beauty in the eyes of our community. People often remarked on our striking resemblance, except for one glaring difference – my skin color. From a young age, I was aware of the disappointment and pity on their faces when they realized I didn't inherit my mother's fair skin. The comments were relentless, "Ayyo, ammade color kittiyillallo" (so sad she didn't inherit her mother's color), they would sigh, their words like daggers to my fragile sense of self-worth. "Chinnakkuttide mol karutha kutti aayallo" (the girl is dark-skinned), they would whisper, clearly showing their disappointment in every syllable. There were also comparisons with my fair cousins so much so that  I have always felt  unattractive and unlovable.  It's hard to pinpoint exactly when the seeds of self-doubt were planted, but societal prejudice played a big role. It took a long time to start overcoming those feelings, even if only partly.

So, to Kalamandalam Sathyabhama and all those who believe in the toxic myth of colorism, I say this:  true beauty lies not in the shade of one's skin but in the depth of one's character and the resilience of one's spirit. We must challenge these biased ideas and strive towards a more inclusive and equitable society where every individual is valued and celebrated, regardless of their skin color. 

And to those who feel judged by societal beauty standards: Do not allow others to dictate your worth based on the melanin in your skin. It is not your skin color that defines you but rather the strength and resilience that lie within. You are capable of rising above the narrow confines of societal expectations.

By making diverse voices heard, showing representation in every way, and creating a culture where all kinds of beauty are accepted and valued, we can start to undo the damage caused by colorism. This will lead to a better future for everyone.

The Gorgeous Mess of Life

PC: https://www.pexels.com/@polina-kovaleva/

It's February, and a whole month has passed since New Year's. I am someone who keeps multiple to-do lists throughout the year—mostly for daily tasks, work, personal projects, etc. During the New Year, the planning process reaches its peak. Last New Year's Day, I had planned multiple tasks in my daily todo which I successfully completed and felt a sense of accomplishment. Alas, just before the day concluded, I spilled some boiling milk on me and ended up with a second-degree burn, which took a while to heal, sending all the to-dos for the rest of my days/weeks berserk. So, this year, I was more cautious and set monthly goals. However, the entire month of January saw me falling ill and feeling extremely tired and the to-dos kept piling up. Now as I sit here contemplating the beautiful chaos that is my life, I realized that's how life is. It has a funny way of piling up pages and pages of incomplete tasks, half-baked plans, abandoned projects, unfulfilled dreams, journeys that never took off, and ideas that never saw the light of day. It's a messy set of ambitions that were momentarily sparked by passion but faded into the background as life's responsibilities took center stage. However, I can't help but appreciate all the different experiences that have shaped me into who I am today. We are all such gorgeous messes, aren't we?

But you know what? There's a certain kind of beauty in our messiness. It's life's way of keeping us humble, reminding us that perfection is overrated. It's in these messy moments that we discover the raw authenticity of our existence. So, here's the thing – In the midst of this beautiful mess, let's not forget to be kind to ourselves. It's okay not to have everything figured out, to have dreams at different stages, and to be a mix of what we want and what holds us back. Here's to embracing the chaos, to being okay with the messiness of life, and trusting that things will get better. Those ideas that never saw the light of day? They might be dormant, but they're not dead. Maybe they're just waiting for the perfect moment to shine. Life has its own way of unfolding, and sometimes, the best is yet to come.

Here's to us – the beautifully imperfect, wonderfully messy souls. May our incomplete tasks serve as a reminder that we are constantly evolving, and our unfulfilled dreams fuel the fire of possibility. Let's be kind to ourselves, celebrate the mess, and trust that life has a way of treating us to some pretty awesome surprises. Cheers to the beautifully imperfect journey we're all on!