Sunday, March 02, 2008

"...But don't YOU go anywhere"

[I am sorry to have blurted out like this.. Never wanted people to come here and feel sad. But writing has always been a way of venting my emotions and so I wrote this when I felt really low. Next day I wanted to delete it but there were already some comments and so left it as it is..]


"How are you?"
This is the question that I was asked the most in the past one month and always my answer was "I am fine" or "I am doing good". I have no idea why I always lie to everyone or for that matter even to myself whenever I encounter such situations. Fact is that I was never fine and struggling to be normal all these days..

Sleep is constantly evading me when I wanted it the most.. Sometimes I used to sit up quite late just to fight the memories..Coz the moment I hit the bed, how much ever tired I am , the memories keep flowing like storm and I'll be wide awake for hours together.. I had always thought it's the sweet memories that keep you going, but now when I know none of them will ever come back again, it's becoming a pain.. I am gripped with an insecurity feeling when I realise the fact that the person who was my constant support all through my life is gone and I have no one to turn to..

It's become even more worse when I come back to my hometown. The easy chair is in the front varendah is empty.. The person who was always waiting for me with lot of changes, in case I fall short of them for the auto, is no longer there.. There is no one to ask me how my train journey was or whether I got a bearth or did I sleep well in the train. While having my food, there was no one sitting in the next chair like last time or the million times before.. He was the one who was asking me about everything that happened and the one whom I talked to most in the family.. But now I find a strange silence around me..

For me being in Bangalore was kind of rescue as I could get busy with my work or at least hallucinate that everything is normal and what happened was just a bad dream.. Sometimes when amma calls me I wait for her to give it to accha, and long to hear his usual first question "Kunjumol bakshanam kazhicho?". He was always worried that I don't eat properly especially when I am left alone.. But amma always kept the phone down without giving it to him..

Sometimes I getup in the morning thinking I heard him call me only to realise it was only uncle to give the milk.. How much I wish to hear his voice, his characteristic cough,... When I realise that it will remain this way forever, and we'll never ever see him again, I'm feeling dizzy..

People keep comforting me saying he had a fulfilling life and it was good that he passed away without much discomfort. Yes I know that because just one month back he was diagnosed of brain tumor and the doctors had told us that it was already in advanced stages and there was nothing much that could be done. He was losing his memory rapidly and needed constant help. And they said in due course he will be paralysed as well. But he never waited for his condition to become worse.. His life motto was never ever bother others with your problems and he lived and died by his motto.. Many a times I have wondered why is it that the symptoms never occurred before and I guess it was just that he would have gone through the pain silently..

But how much ever I comfort myself, I find it really difficult to accept the situation.. It just feels odd.. The day I came home in the morning just like any other visit, how we had breakfast together, how I said a hasty bye to him and went to attend a friend's marriage.. And just 1 hour later when I came back with all the marriage news to tell, there was no one to listen to me..

I know it'll be even more difficult for amma and I need to be brave and in control.. How I wish I had a sibling so that we could just look at each other and know that we share the same feelings.. Everyone keep scolding me saying I should cry it out.. But how can I when I very well know that he never liked to see me in tears.. I have no other choice but to hold it back.. Else I'll make him sad..

I know it's natural for our parents to die before us; but losing them is difficult to come to terms with, because you've lost part of your past, a part of yourself, a guardian, and lot more.. a hole is created and your world becomes seemingly shattered..

Accha I am missing you.. Terribly.. Every single day..

36 comments:

sandeep said...

Very sorry for ur loss Dhanya. May time help u to come to terms with it.

And yeah ... one of ur best posts ... touching

hari said...

:(

Dhanya said...

@ Sandeep : I too hope so..
Once you had told me to write for myself na. This is a result of that..

@ Hari : Thanks a lot for coming by..

Pinto said...

Thats quite a touching post. May God give you the strength to deal with your loss.

indu said...

dhanya... I didn't know about it until now... May God Almighty give you strength...

Sini said...

sorry to hear about this..

Impressionist said...

Im really sorry to hear that!
may god give u and ur parents all the strength..

-I

Zahra said...

Hi Dhanya.... its the first time I'm visiting your blog...am really sorry about your Dad, and pray that God helps you and you family to get through this tough time.
Your comment on wishing you had a sibling touched a chord...I'm an only child too, and have often wondered how I'd handle it if my parents were not around. Guess each of us have to cross the bridge ourselves to know. Take care and keep the faith.

usha said...

hugs to you, Dhanya .
i remember reading an earlier post of yours about your father.
May God bless you and your family with more strength to get through the tough times. you do take care.

Roshan R said...

i've been here before, just another reader.. All I can say is I'm sorry for you. May you find the strength to not just pass through this, but to give your mom the courage she needs too.

Leena said...

Dhanya, sorry for ur loss.Hope you find the strength tocome to terms with it
Leena

Amal Pillai said...

I am really sorry for you Dhanya, my deepest condolences. I fervently wish to God to give you strength to carry on.

-Amal

kammommy said...

Memories never die.....i am my daddy's girl...ur post made me really sad....Pls take care...

vamsi said...

Hmm....
may be this kind of posts better to be unpublished..
very very sorry for you

Resma T said...

Dhanya...tooo touching post dear!!
Tears came out from my eyes :-(
No further words to say.
Let god gives you the strength and courage to withstand all these... Nothing more dear.

ಮಹಾಲಿಂಗೇಶ ದಡ್ಡಿ said...

Take care....
You are brave....

SCRAWLER said...

A touching write up...i can undersatand ur pain...this post reminds me of my days with my amma...and her separation from me..

Dhanya said...

@ All : Thanks a lot for your prayers and giving me the strength and support that I needed most..

@ Zahra : It's tough to cross that bridge alone.. It's times like these where you really feel the need for someone..

Alex Mcone said...

This is my first entry into your blog ... and this is what I learn about you.

I'm not especially good at handling the loss of someone dear. I just bottle up and go into my inner shell. I guess thats the reason why I'm unable to say anything that might warm you up.

I'm sorry for your loss and I know what you must be going through right now. I hope you come through this.

silverine said...

:((

I don't have words...I can feel your pain. And I hope that you come to terms with it eventually. God bless your pa!

Fozylet said...

sorry to hear that...

Deepa said...

Dhanya, I'm sorry to hear about this. May God give you strength to come to terms with the loss.

Sadhana said...

I'm really sorry chechi.. I remember reading another post about ur father!
Tears came out of my eyes.. Let god give u and ur mother strength to withstand this.. Take care

Nanditha Prabhu said...

hugs dear!
take care....will pray for you and your family....

Nirmala said...

Manikutti, you made me cry! You are always known as very brave. You need to come out of this. I know Time is the healer. Take care of yourself whilst you take care of your mom. I'm just a call away. Anytime you need any support let me know.

BHATTA said...

Am glad that you let out what you felt. It sometimes makes you feel a bit lighter.
some things are reality, that we need to accept and you've been so brave throughout and taken everything thats come your way.
Take care, and lemme tell, you don't need to think that you don't have a sibling :-)

Ps said...

Hey Dhanya,
Take heart my friend.I am in the same situation.You can read about it here if you want to.
Preeti

Nikhil Narayanan said...

Hi
First time visitor here.
parayaan vaakkukal illa...

:(

JollyRoger said...

My condolences, sending you a hymn with a small change, that we use for a farewell.

God be with you till you meet again;
By His counsels guide, uphold you,
With His sheep securely fold you;
God be with you till you meet again.

God be with you till you meet again;
Neath His wings protecting hide you;
Daily manna still provide you;
God be with you till you meet again.

God be with you till you meet again;
With the oil of joy anoint you;
Sacred ministries appoint you;
God be with you till you meet again.

God be with you till you meet again;
When life’s perils thick confound you;
Put His arms unfailing round you;
God be with you till you meet again.

God be with you till you meet again;
Of His promises remind you;
For life’s upper garner bind you;
God be with you till you meet again.

God be with you till you meet again;
Sicknesses and sorrows taking,
Never leaving or forsaking;
God be with you till you meet again.

God be with you till you meet again;
Keep love’s banner floating o’er you,
Strike death’s threatening wave before you;
God be with you till you meet again.

God be with you till you meet again;
Ended when for you earth’s story,
Israel’s chariot sweep to glory;
God be with you till you meet again.

ap said...

Our prayers will be there for your father.
Let God give you and your mother strength......

Usha said...

I am sorry Dhanya. Hope you can get over your pain soon. The loss is irreplaceable - we can only come to terms with the grief.

Aroj said...

I am sorry for your loss. But maybe accha is in heaven looking down at his daughter..you know what he would want you to be doing...

ദീപു : sandeep said...

Sorry to hear this......

Hope you get over this very soon...

Anonymous said...

please pull yourself up... there are times you might feel low and down , but times you feel low and hit the sack. time fades the pain and spring brings you a hope to go. take care

Arun Meethale Chirakkal said...

Touching...Wanna say something philosophical to soothe you...but Philosophy never worked for me when I was in direstraits (Not of this intense)...it's for the 'other'...may God help you through.

Ranjith Sankar said...

very touching

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